Authenticity and Identity

When someone is in a position of church leadership, others soon identify him or her as the “go to” person. I remember my years as assistant head usher in the early 1990s in Northern Virginia and the District of Columbia. I was greeting people, distributing bulletins and helping guests locate the nursery and other facilities. I thrived in that role. But what really made me realize that I was a leader was that Easter vigil service when something went wrong. People looked to me to solve the problem, which I did. In fact, I liked knowing that others saw me as a leader and actually depended on me to take responsibility while providing a sense of calm. Yes. That was nice.

But oh, there still was a difference when I became ordained; when I was the person to lead the service, versus be a volunteer or licensed lay leader. The buck stops with me now. If a service goes flat, they look to me. I no longer am “one of the girls” in church. I am the source of calm or of worry. I set the tone for the congregation. I also must look only to myself as the person ultimately responsible. That also is fine. I have no problems with that. But will the aspirants to leadership positions feel the same?

How do I explain this change to those whom I counsel when discerning their calls to ordained or commissioned leadership? Is it something that I can articulate and they can really understand? Will it be something that they live into gradually, or is it something like an epiphany, much like the V-8 commercial, with a hand slapping one’s forehead when it dawns on him or her when it occurs?

Further, how do I explain what it was like discerning a call within a parish that still remembers me as the insecure and skinny teen of long ago? That image haunted me early in my discernment process. I had to leave that church and continue my discernment for a few more years before I could break free of that shadow. I had that luxury, but those who are discerning calls within mutual ministry, within communities that they never left or returned, do not have that luxury. How do I help them with that shadow side of ministry development within their “home” parishes?

I keep raising these issues with the “aspirants”; life is different and will be different as they discern and accept their calls to leadership in the church. Perhaps I need to accept that I cannot fully explain it for them. I cannot fully prepare them. I can only hope (and pray) that I am there to support them when it happens and that they will understand that, yes, we tried to prepare them for that day, even if there was no way for them to comprehend all of our efforts. Will that be enough? I pray that it is. I guess that is all that I can do, with God’s help.

Theresa